I Tried 12 Different Therapists Before Finding ‘The One’ - Here’s What I Learned

By Maya Chen, LMFT - Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with 8 years of experience specializing in trauma and anxiety disorders

Trigger Warning: This article discusses trauma, sexual assault, and suicidal ideation. If you’re experiencing a mental health crisis, please call 988 or text HOME to 741741.

I still remember sitting in my car outside Dr. Rebecca Martinez’s office in March 2023, crying into my steering wheel after what felt like the hundredth failed therapy session. I’d been “shopping” for a therapist for almost two years, and I was starting to think maybe I was the problem.

Spoiler alert: I wasn’t.

After 12 different therapists, $18,000 out of pocket (insurance is a nightmare, but that’s another story), and enough therapeutic mismatches to write a book, I finally found someone who actually helped me heal from childhood sexual trauma and severe anxiety.

If you’re struggling to find the right therapist, this is for you. I’m going to share the brutal truth about what didn’t work, the red flags I ignored, and the specific questions that finally led me to the therapist who changed my life.

The Therapist Graveyard: What Went Wrong

Let me walk you through some of the more… memorable therapeutic experiences that taught me what NOT to look for:

Therapist #3: The Note-Taker

Session count: 4 sessions

This therapist spent our entire 50-minute sessions furiously scribbling notes while barely making eye contact. When I asked what she was writing, she said, “Just observations.”

Red flag I missed: A therapist should be present and engaged, not documenting your every word like a court reporter. Some note-taking is normal, but constant writing suggests they’re not actually listening.

Therapist #7: The Advice-Giver

Session count: 6 sessions

Every session felt like sitting with my well-meaning but completely unqualified aunt. “Have you tried yoga?” “You should just think positive thoughts!” “Everything happens for a reason!”

Red flag I missed: Good therapists don’t give advice or platitudes. They help you discover your own insights and coping strategies through guided exploration.

Therapist #9: The Boundary-Crosser

Session count: 2 sessions (I noped out fast)

This therapist shared intimate details about her own divorce during our sessions and even suggested we grab coffee sometime to “continue our conversation.”

Red flag I should have seen from space: Professional boundaries exist for a reason. Your therapist’s personal life shouldn’t be part of your therapy unless they’re sharing a very brief, relevant professional example.

🚨 Major Red Flags to Watch For:

Consistently running late or ending sessions early

Seeming distracted or checking their phone

Pushing their religious or political beliefs

Making you feel judged or criticized

Refusing to discuss treatment goals or progress

Inappropriate self-disclosure

Suggesting you don’t need therapy after 1-2 sessions

The Science Behind Therapeutic Relationships

Here’s what I wish someone had told me earlier: the therapeutic relationship is everything.

According to a meta-analysis published in the Journal of Clinical Psychology (2018), the therapeutic relationship accounts for approximately 30% of therapy outcomes—more than the specific therapeutic technique used.¹ That means finding someone you connect with is literally more important than whether they use cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) or dialectical behavior therapy (DBT).

Dr. John Norcross’s research on “therapeutic fit” shows that clients who report feeling understood and supported by their therapist show significantly better treatment outcomes, regardless of their diagnosis.² This isn’t just touchy-feely stuff—it’s hard science.

The Questions That Changed Everything

After therapist #11 told me I was “making progress” when I felt worse than ever, I realized I needed to completely change my approach. Instead of just showing up and hoping for the best, I started interviewing potential therapists like I was hiring them (because I was).

Here are the specific questions that helped me identify Dr. Martinez as “the one”:

Before the First Session:

“What is your experience treating [your specific condition]?”

❌ Bad answer: “I treat everything” or “I have general experience.” ✅ Good answer: “I specialize in trauma therapy and have completed Level 2 EMDR training. About 60% of my practice focuses on childhood trauma survivors.”

“What does progress look like in your practice, and how do you measure it?”

❌ Bad answer: Vague responses about “feeling better.” ✅ Good answer: “We’ll establish specific, measurable goals in our first few sessions. I use validated assessment tools every 4-6 sessions to track symptom improvement, and we’ll regularly discuss what’s working and what isn’t.”

“How do you handle it when a client doesn’t feel like therapy is helping?”

This question is GOLD. It separates the good therapists from the great ones.

❌ Bad answer: Getting defensive or suggesting you’re “resistant to treatment.” ✅ Good answer: “That’s valuable feedback. We’d explore what’s not working, adjust our approach, and if needed, I’d help you find a better therapeutic fit. My ego isn’t involved in your healing.”

During the First Session:

“What’s your treatment philosophy?”

Dr. Martinez’s answer: “I believe you’re the expert on your own experience. My job is to create a safe space where you can process trauma at your own pace, while giving you concrete tools to manage symptoms in daily life. Healing isn’t linear, and there’s no timeline you need to follow.”

Translation: She saw me as a whole person, not a collection of symptoms to fix.

💚 Green Flags That Signal a Good Therapist:

They ask about your goals and preferences

They explain their approach in understandable terms

They validate your experiences without trying to “fix” you immediately

They respect your boundaries and cultural background

They’re transparent about their qualifications and limitations

They check in regularly about how therapy is going

They remember details from previous sessions

The “Chemistry Test”: How to Know if It’s Right

Here’s something no one tells you: you should feel some level of comfort with your therapist by session 3.

I don’t mean you have to spill your deepest secrets immediately (that takes time), but you should feel:

Safe enough to be honest about why you’re there
Respected as an individual, not judged for your symptoms
Hopeful that this person might actually be able to help
Understood on a basic human level

With Dr. Martinez, I knew by session 2. She remembered that I was nervous about an upcoming work presentation (something I’d mentioned in passing). She asked how it went, and when I said it went terribly, she didn’t try to silver-line it or give advice. She just said, “That sounds really hard. Tell me more about what that was like for you.”

That’s it. She saw me as a person having a human experience, not a problem to be solved.

What Actually Worked: My Healing Process

I’ve been working with Dr. Martinez for 18 months now, and here’s what our therapeutic journey has looked like:

Months 1-3: Building Safety

Learning grounding techniques for panic attacks
Establishing trust and therapeutic rapport
Identifying trauma triggers and early warning signs
Creating a safety plan for suicidal ideation

Months 4-8: Processing Trauma

EMDR therapy for childhood sexual abuse memories
Somatic experiencing to address trauma stored in my body
Challenging negative core beliefs (“I’m broken,” “It was my fault”)
Developing self-compassion practices

Months 9-18: Integration and Growth

Building healthy relationships and boundaries
Returning to activities trauma had stolen from me (hiking, dating, creative writing)
Learning to trust my intuition again
Developing my own therapeutic tools for ongoing maintenance

The results? My PHQ-9 depression score went from 19 (severe) to 6 (mild). My GAD-7 anxiety score dropped from 18 (severe) to 4 (minimal). But more importantly, I feel like myself again.

The Money Talk: What Good Therapy Actually Costs

Let’s be real about the financial aspect, because this is often the biggest barrier to finding quality care.

My total investment:

12 failed therapists: ~$3,600 (averaging 3 sessions each at $100/session)
Dr. Martinez (18 months): ~$14,400 ($200/session, weekly for 72 sessions)
Total: $18,000

Was it worth it? Absolutely. But I recognize that’s privilege speaking.

If money is tight, here are options that work:

Psychology training clinics often offer sliding scale fees ($20-60/session)
Community mental health centers provide income-based pricing
BetterHelp or Talkspace range from $60-100/week for unlimited messaging plus live sessions
Group therapy costs 50-70% less than individual sessions
Employee Assistance Programs (EAPs) often provide 3-8 free sessions

Insurance tip: Even if a therapist doesn’t take your insurance, they can provide a “superbill” for out-of-network reimbursement. I got back about 40% of my costs this way.

Red Flags in Your First Session

Your first session should feel like an intake interview, not immediate deep therapy. Here’s what should happen:

✅ What SHOULD happen:

Therapist explains confidentiality and their approach
They ask about your goals and what brought you to therapy
You discuss logistics (scheduling, cancellation policy, fees)
They assess for safety issues (suicidal ideation, etc.)
You leave feeling heard and hopeful

🚨 What should make you RUN:

Immediate diagnosis after one session
Pushing expensive packages or additional services
Making you feel worse about yourself
Inappropriate comments about your appearance, relationships, etc.
Promising quick fixes or guaranteed results

How to Break Up with a Bad Therapist

This was honestly my biggest struggle. I kept thinking, “Maybe it’s me. Maybe I need to give it more time.”

Here’s your permission to leave:

You don’t owe your therapist an explanation
“This isn’t a good fit” is a complete sentence
Most therapists will respect your decision and may even help you find better alternatives
You’re not being “difficult”—you’re advocating for your mental health

Script I used: “I’ve decided to pursue other treatment options. Thank you for your time, and please send my records to [new provider] or hold them for my pickup.”

Special Considerations for Different Communities

Finding culturally competent therapy made a huge difference for me as an Asian-American woman. Dr. Martinez understood the cultural shame around mental illness and family pressure I was experiencing.

For BIPOC individuals:

Psychology Today allows you to filter by therapist race/ethnicity
The Association of Black Psychologists maintains a directory
Ask potential therapists directly about their experience with racial trauma

For LGBTQ+ individuals:

Look for therapists who specifically list LGBTQ+ competency
The Psychology Today directory has LGBTQ+ filters
Ask about their training in gender-affirming care

For religious individuals:

Many therapists integrate faith-based approaches with evidence-based therapy
Be upfront about your religious needs and boundaries
Ask how they handle conflicts between religious beliefs and therapeutic goals

The Questions I Ask Now (That You Should Too)

After all this trial and error, here’s my current therapist-screening process:

Phone Screening Questions:

“Do you have experience treating [specific condition]?”
“What’s your approach to therapy?”
“How do you handle clients who don’t feel like therapy is working?”
“What does your cancellation policy look like?”
“Do you provide superbills for insurance reimbursement?”

First Session Questions:

“What are your thoughts on medication as part of treatment?” (Important if you’re considering or currently taking psychiatric medication)
“How will we know therapy is working?”
“What’s your experience with clients who have similar backgrounds/experiences to me?”
“How do you typically structure sessions?”
“What should I do if I’m having a crisis between sessions?”

What I Wish I’d Known From Day One

1. It’s not your fault if therapy doesn’t work immediately. The average person tries 2-3 therapists before finding a good fit.³ You’re not broken if the first person isn’t right.

2. Your therapist should be trained in evidence-based treatments for your specific condition. Not all therapy is created equal. CBT, DBT, EMDR, and other approaches have different success rates for different conditions.

3. You can ask to see their credentials. Licensed therapists should be able to tell you their degree, license number, and specialized training. Don’t be afraid to verify this information.

4. Therapy should feel challenging but safe. Growth is uncomfortable, but you shouldn’t leave sessions feeling traumatized or worse about yourself.

5. You’re allowed to have preferences. Age, gender, race, therapeutic approach, office environment—all of these matter if they matter to you.

The Bottom Line

Finding the right therapist is like dating, but the stakes are higher. You’re looking for someone who can hold space for your pain while guiding you toward healing.

My transformation numbers:

Depression symptoms: 75% reduction
Panic attacks: From daily to maybe once a month
Sleep quality: From 2-3 hours to 7-8 hours regularly
Relationship satisfaction: I’m actually dating someone wonderful now
Career: Got promoted twice since starting therapy

But beyond the metrics, I feel like myself again. I laugh at stupid memes. I cry during movies. I get excited about weekend plans. I trust my own judgment.

That’s what good therapy can do.

Your Next Steps

If you’re currently in therapy that isn’t working, give yourself permission to explore other options. If you’re looking for your first therapist, use these questions to guide your search.

Resources to find qualified therapists:

Psychology Today Provider Directory (best filtering options)
SAMHSA Treatment Locator (includes community mental health centers)
National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) local chapters
Your insurance company’s provider directory
Referrals from your primary care doctor

Remember: Therapy is an investment in every future version of yourself. The right therapeutic relationship can literally change the trajectory of your life.

You deserve support that actually supports you.

About the Author: Maya Chen is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist (LMFT) in California with specialized training in trauma therapy, EMDR, and anxiety disorders. She has helped over 200 clients navigate their healing journeys and is passionate about making mental health care more accessible and effective. When not in her practice, Maya enjoys hiking, terrible reality TV, and advocating for mental health policy reform.

References

Flückiger, C., Del Re, A. C., Wampold, B. E., & Horvath, A. O. (2018). The alliance in adult psychotherapy: A meta-analytic synthesis. Journal of Clinical Psychology, 74(4), 424-438.
Norcross, J. C., & Lambert, M. J. (2018). Psychotherapy relationships that work III. Psychotherapy, 55(4), 303-315.
American Psychological Association. (2019). Clinical Practice Guideline for the Treatment of Depression Across Three Age Cohorts. Retrieved from https://www.apa.org/depression-guideline
World Health Organization. (2017). Depression and other common mental disorders: Global health estimates. Geneva: World Health Organization.

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